that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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