Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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