Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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