i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
