i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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