i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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