We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
