I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
