My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
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Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
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She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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