yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
