You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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