I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize