i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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