Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
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It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
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Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that