Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?