nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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