We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
