You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
