My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
