She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
