I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
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Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
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The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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