I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
