I CAN MOONWALK!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
