i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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