When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
