Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
