i wish peter jackson would direct porn
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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