Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
