after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
