At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
