I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
