I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
