new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
