wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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