your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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