my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
