I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
