don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
