Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
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Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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