I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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