i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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