It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
