Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
