Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
