I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
