I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
