Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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