i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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