Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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