I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
