I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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