I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
