I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
