I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
