i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
