i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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