The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
