sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
