I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
